King of the Mountains

I know, I know. They’re an old topic. But I’ve found some superb examples of the breed of late and felt I had to share them:

Let’s start with the bottle of water labelled “Gluten Free”. Some readers may be aware of the identity of the shop selling these, suffice to say it’s a discount supermarket with German owners. Now, I won’t rubbish food allergies as I realise that if you genuinely suffer from them they are no laughing matter, but I will say that I suspect an awful lot of people have been convinced by cunning marketoids that they are allergic to a foodstuff when in fact they merely dislike it. As for the label, I’m not entirely sure I’d want a bottle of water that contained gluten (or how on earth it would get in there), and I’m not allergic to the stuff!

Secondly, the bag of sea salt labelled as being “G.M. Free” bought in our local “health food” shop. Leaving aside the question of where one might find genes in salt to modify in the first place, doesn’t this just say it all about the mass hysteria whipped up by the media regarding genetic modification? The complete lack of any evidence that GM foods are harmful doesn’t seem to stop the “It’s new and scientific so it must be evil” brigade, and the poorly informed majority laps it up. It’s rather wonderful when they manage to shoot themselves in the foot like this…

Lastly, a stern and scary label. “WARNING This product contains chemicals which are known the State of California to cause cancer, birth defects or other reproductive harm.”

You’re probably wondering what this is from. Doubtless some dangerous cleaning product intended to remove all bar the paint from the inside of your oven, or a rather nasty substance intended for use in etching designs onto metals.

Well, no.

It’s a model railway wagon.

Yes, the sort that most people would cheerfully allow a five year old to play with.

I’m not aware of any research into the long-term effects of exposure to these things, but from personal experience I would say that a far greater risk than “cancer, birth defects or other reproductive harm” is that the owner will get hooked and spend large chunks of their disposable income on the hobby. They’ll also develop considerable skill in repairing things and general DIY tasks. I’m not sure that’s a bad thing.

Last year, we seemed to have road accidents involving motorbikes at least once a week out here. I know why they come – we have superb terrain and quiet roads. However, just because they’re quiet does not mean that they are any safer. Many of the more challenging corners have rough surfaces, potholes, drain covers placed exactly on the apex, adverse cambers, and the risk of loose sheep. Just because you cannot see one or more of these problems does not constitute reasonable grounds to treat them as a private racetrack. People out here tend to have a rather creative approach to parking (such as those wonderful individuals who abandon their cars on blind bends while trying for the perfect photo), and debris falling off trailers is not uncommon either.

Consider it in these terms. A bike has only two wheels to control it on the road. It will therefore be inherently at greater risk from all of the above than a car, which while it may skip disturbingly on hitting a wet drain cover is unlikely to fall over. The bike also has zero crash protection. Riders in superbike races have an excellent survival record because they tend to slide across the tarmac, gravel or grass, which reduces their speed gradually. They are protected from the infamous “road rash” by their leathers. Out here, there are no run off areas. What will stop you is not a relatively gentle slide, but a tree, or a bus. If you hit debris that has fallen off a trailer in your car, you are likely to damage the bumper but walk away. On a bike if you are unable to avoid it you are likely to do a remarkable one-off impression of a well known superhero. Before the comments about how a bike is far more agile than a car and can dodge these things start, might I point out that said agility will not help you if you round a corner on the wrong side of the road and crash into (or more likely under) a bus.

I have also noticed that different areas seem to have different ideas regarding what constitutes a “Sharp Bend”. There are surely some form of guidelines for councils in placing these, but there are still inconsistencies. In our part of the world, the sign means what it says – you will need to reduce speed from the legal limit to negotiate this. However, in other areas these signs are used in incomprehensible places. A bend that a Land Rover can negotiate safely at 60mph is not a sharp bend!

I’m not trying to be a killjoy, in fact I find the daft extra signs, weird tarmac that makes your steering vague, and mobile cameras as annoying as anyone. What I’m saying is this: If you come up here, enjoy yourselves. But treat our roads with the respect they demand. Don’t convince yourself that it can’t happen to you. It can. The loose sheep, mud, or plastic bag does not care who hits it. Also, spare a thought for our police, fire service and paramedics. Pretty much once a week over the summer they have to attend a fatal accident. Would you be able to scrape the remains off the road, tell the next of kin that they’re not coming home, and then do it all again a week later? I doubt I could. They shouldn’t have to.

Hopefully we won’t hear so many sirens this year.